Sponsored News: Exploding Pants Edition
As the month of June draws to a close, there has been an outpouring of corporate sponsored news with favorable mentions of brand names for me to share with you. Which is fortunate, because my rent is due tomorrow. Here it is, your fix of Sponsored News:
Microsoft Launches New “Go Bing Yourself” Campaign
Earlier today Microsoft announced a shift in the ad campaign promoting its new search engine, Bing. “Remember the good old days when it sounded silly and inappropriate to ‘google’ somebody? Recapture the magic by binging yourself and all your friends! Bing yourself over and over!” Microsoft is also hoping future campaigns will highlight the fact that if you type “Google” into Bing you could create a black hole which could swallow all of existence.
Pfizer Set to Expand Disease Invention Department
In a move many industry experts are hailing as innovative, Pfizer has announced that it will double the size of its Disease Invention and Marketing division. As Pfizer CFO Richard Donnelly explained, “Pfizer is committed to bringing you cutting edge research in diseases and syndromes that never even existed until we invented them and then subsequently sold you a medicine to treat them.” The department is already rumored to be working on Uncontrollable Blinking Disorder as well as “a problem so obscure and difficult to diagnose, virtually everyone may [or may not] have it.” Pills to prevent both of these conditions should be available soon, by prescription only.
Taco Bell Not Responsible for “Explosion in Pants”
Monday afternoon Taco Bell did not make Max Herman, 14, shit his pants during 7th period. We repeat, Taco Bell was in no way responsible for what witnesses are describing as a “river of nasty” that continued “well past the principal’s office.” Sure, Max Herman ate Taco Bell for lunch, but his stomach was probably not used to such rich flavor and texture. Also, as one Taco Bell representative states, “Herman was in chemistry during the incident that Taco Bell in no way contributed towards. Who knows what chemicals he was exposed to other than the ones we use in our biochemically manufactured foods?”
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