New Feature: Sponsored News
As people complain more and more about the death of the newspaper (and yet that damned thing keeps making its way to my doorstep), many are wondering just how the news can sustain itself in such tough economic times. Fortunately, I believe I have come up with a solution that will not only please those hoping to gain valuable information about the world around them, but also large corporations hoping to trick the ignorant masses who still read the news into purchasing their products.
I am proud to present, for the first time ever: Sponsored News.
Mountain Dew’s New Formula Contains 150% the Xtreme of Previous Mountain Dew
Earlier this morning, Mountain Dew scientist unveiled a new process that they are claiming could allow them to cram almost 1.5 times the ingredient “Xtreme” of their previous soft drinks. The new formula will be call Dew X-Treme, and the original, or “classic” Dew will be renamed Mountain Dew for Pussies.
FedEx Delivery Man Foils Terrorist Plot, Only Mildly Damages Package’s Contents
Monday evening a FedEx delivery man was able to foil a terrorist plot to mail Osama bin Laden’s nephew a “Get Well Soon” card by absentmindedly dropping it into that space under his chair he can’t quite reach. While rummaging around for the envelope, dropped a package marked “Fragile” but “didn’t hear anything break…so it was probably fine.”
Burger King Cheesy Bacon Tendercrisp Chicken Sandwich Only Mildly Sickens Area Man
In a surprising turn of events, Hugh Tamlin was able to eat an entire Burger King Cheesy Bacon Tendercrisp Chicken Sandwich without vomiting while eating the sandwich, or saying its absurdly long name at the cash register. Fortunately for Tamlin, it took whole minutes for the mild stomach irritation to set in, and by that time he had already returned to his cubicle. His coworkers did report however that he took an abnormally long trip to the restroom down the hall around 3PM.
Are you, or someone you know, the head of a large corporation that would like somewhat positive coverage of your products presented as though it were factual and unbiased journalism?
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