Film Review: The Shawshank Redemption
Welcome to Colby Day’s Friday Film Review of The Shawshank Redemption. Everyone always said this movie’s really good, and it has Morgan Freeman, and blah, blah, blah, but let me tell you something, it’s really long. Even though I fell asleep during it, I don’t think I missed a whole lot.
The Shawshank Redemption: Five Stars
So, the movie’s about this guy Andy (played by Merlin from Top Gun) in like the 1800′s who goes to prison for killing his wife. He says he didn’t do it, but she was cheating on him, and in the 1800′s that was proof. Also, they found his gun, so that’s pretty much proof everywhere. But later he says he didn’t do it, and nobody believes him, but it turns out he really didn’t do it because he’s like the nicest guy ever.
Anyway, he goes to prison and makes friends with Morgan Freeman who tells him “You better watch out, guys are gonna rape you.” I guess prisons haven’t changed all that much, because those guys do rape him. They rape him for two years. It sort of feels like it while you’re watching. In the meantime, he asks Morgan Freeman for a rock hammer, and Morgan Freeman says “What, are you gonna escape?” and Merlin says, “No way, it’s for making stuff out of rocks,” so Morgan Freeman says “I’ll get it for you then.” But, he was lying, he uses it to escape. Which takes FOREVER.
Before he escapes, he and his friends and Morgan Freeman fix the prison’s roof, and one of the guards threatens to throw Merlin off for sleeping with his wife, but he’s all, “Don’t kill me, I’m an accountant.” So the guard’s like “Sweet. I just inherited money and the government wants to take it.” After that, the guards give them beer to drink on the roof, and they all have a good time, except for Andy, who just sits there smiling knowingly. This guy thinks he’s so much better than everyone else.
After that, all this pointless stuff with a library happens. Andy becomes the librarian of the prison for like two hours and nobody will give him books, so he writes letters asking for books, and then finally he gets sent books. This takes him like twenty years, and he teaches a kid, but the kid gets shot by the guards, so there really was no point. Skip it, I say.
Then Andy does everybody’s taxes, and becomes the accountant for the warden, who’s a really mean guy, like all wardens are, and he plays a record over the PA system. All the inmates are like “Whoa! Music’s awesome. We forgot.” But now they’ll always remember. Anyway, Andy escapes because he had the rock hammer this whole time and steals a bunch of money from the warden. He then secretly tells Morgan Freeman to go find a rock in the middle of nowhere if he wants to meet up later. Somehow, Morgan Freeman finds this damn rock, and they go to Mexico to hang out. Then they smile knowingly at each other for a while on the beach.
Look, I don’t get it. Prison sucked in the 1800′s, and so he broke out. What’s the point, really? And how did Morgan Freeman find this rock? And how did he find Merlin on the beach in Mexico? I think people just like this movie because it’s so long. It’s like:
“Have you seen Shawshank?”
“No way man, that’s too long, I got bored.”
“Well, I have because I’m smart.”
Drinking Game:
Drink every time somebody smiles knowingly. It’s all the time.
Oh, one more thing. What the hell is a Shawshank?
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