Film Review: Citizen Kane
Welcome to the Colby Day Friday Film Review of Citizen Kane. This film’s a tricky one because it’s black and white, which makes movies boring, but it’s also got some cool stuff in it like a crazy castle with peacocks and shit. I didn’t want to watch it because it’s old, but everyone was like “Oh, you have to see that, it’s famous.” I was like, “Who cares?” But they were like, “What if we play a drinking game while we watch it?” So I was like, “Whatever.”
Citizen Kane: Five Stars
Citizen Kane is this guy who’s super rich because he owns all the newspapers and he dies in his bed with his favorite snow globe named Rosebud and his maid’s all like “Holy shit, I gotta tell people his last words.” Oh, his last words were just one word, so it’s more like “Holy shit, I gotta tell people his last word.” His last word was Rosebud.
So then this other newspaper guy who doesn’t work for Citizen Kane’s newspapers, is all “I gotta investigate this!” He goes to a nightclub place and talks with a washed up singer lady, who was married to Kane and she’s drunk and won’t talk with him. Then he reads this book and and there’s a million flashbacks that happen where we see Citizen running around in the snow and buying newspapers and getting super rich and stuff. Citizen’s sort of a jerk, and sometimes he just writes stuff in his paper that’s not really true, but he also builds a huge castle and gets all the ladies, so it evens out.
The newspaper guy starts going all over and asking people if they were friends with Citizen Kane, but everybody hated him since he was such a jerk. He even talks with some other old guy who smokes a lot of cigars even though he’s not supposed to and that guy’s all “I don’t know what you’re talking about” when the reporter asks him about Citizen’s last word.
When Citizen finally gets old and dies, nobody loves him, except his nurse/maid and this newspaper guy doing the reporting. The end’s not that good, but it looks like a rip off of Raiders of the Lost Ark, because there’s a bunch of boxes and stuff in this warehouse. By now the newspaper guy’s sick of it, and when they ask him about Citizen’s last word he’s just like “It doesn’t matter. Who cares?” And nobody does care. Case closed.
Citizen Kane: Drinking Game
Just take a drink whenever they say Rosebud. That’s it.
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