A young/old man/woman sits on a chair/bench/couch in a house/park/restaurant/hospital. He/she is dressed contemporarily/in period.
Man/Woman: Listen [relative/doctor/girl/boyfriend]. You’re not going to understand, you’re too [old/young/different in another way].
(Stands, begins pacing)
I wish it wasn’t like this, but ever since that time [I/you] did that seemingly innocuous thing, things have been different. I feel… I don’t know… somehow [alive/dead]. I [didn’t know/always suspected] I felt [dead/alive] before, but I did, and now I feel the opposite way of that. And it’s made me realize, I [don’t/do] love you. read more…
Okay, I’m sure many of you have already seen it, but this is a man who really, really loves Pokemon. He loves them so much, he wants to “**** the **** out of Jigglypuff,” and is willing to kill anyone who makes fun of his Pokemon. Then he laughs and asks himself “Why y’all laughing.” Things get pretty confusing by then, but it’s worth a watch.
I really don’t have much to say here. As a white man, maybe I just don’t get Pokemon. Although, I’m fairly positive there must be Pokemon porn out there somewhere, right?
So, I’ve been unemployed, and that has lent itself to countless useless activities with which to kill my time. Lately, I’ve started writing fables, because they’re sweet, short, and require very little thought. I’m sure Aesop was facing the same crushing self-doubt and crippling procrastination. Anyway, here’s the first in a series, entitled: Man and the Moon. read more…
After a long hospital stay, due to a completely non-unicycle related incident, Guy Riding a Unicycle is back to answer your questions. When you need insight into the world from someone slightly higher up than most people, and potentially juggling, he’s just the guy for you.
Write in with your top-hat, peddling, or etiquette questions. read more…
Welcome to Tuesday Terribles, a column in which I will discuss something that is obviously terrible, and provide a solution. Today’s Tuesday Terrible: Free Verse (note the alliteration, word nerds [and slant rhyme, douches]).
I’m sure many of you out there are going to say, “Hey Colby! Free verse isn’t stupid. You probably just don’t understand.” Well, first of all, you shouldn’t talk to me, because I can’t hear you. Furthermore, you’re right: I don’t understand. But that’s because free verse is intentionally confusing. Rhymes exist for a reason, and that reason is so crass heathens like me who don’t understand or remember poems ever can recognize, instantly, “Oh, that’s a poem. ‘Hop’ and ‘Pop’ rhyme!” I propose that if you’re not going to indulge me and give me something easy to digest with rhyme scheme and typical structure, you better use things I can relate to, and won’t have to think at all about, like celebrities, animals dressed like humans, or people getting hit in the balls.
Just to prove that pop culture free verse is much easier to digest, here’s some free verse poetry I just made up. And by “made up” I mean created using Jersey Shore quotes. read more…
Hey there employed people, and unemployed losers. I bet you’re waking up on Monday super pumped to walk out into (what was for me) a goddamn hail storm, or whatever other personal ninth circle of hell you’re going to have to deal with on your commute. But, after that… why not watch Gene Kelly tap dance? On roller skates. read more…
Hep cats is an old term for “cool kids,” or “neatos” as I call them. This is a video some 750,000 people have already seen before, but you know what, they’re the cool ones, they’re not the ones reading this. It’s this little kid who covers songs in the middle of the Apple Store. Don’t worry, it’s the real deal. As he puts it in the description: “it not green screen.” This is his rendition of The Black Eyed Peas song “I’ve Got a Feeling,” which, supposedly, according to my resources, is also something cool people like.* read more…
Last night I was told by a total stranger that they “read my blog,” which is all well and good, but I can’t imagine how they do it since I don’t even “write my blog.” Anyway, as a benevolent treat to that one person whose name I don’t remember, I’m going to try to come back here a little more frequently (maybe even once a day). I will make you no promises, because people don’t ever really change, and I don’t even know who the hell you are.
The reason I met this kind stranger is that I was attending, and losing, The L Magazine’s short fiction reading, with a short story I’d written entitled “Grace.” It’s below, but, just to warn you, there is almost nothing funny about it, and I know how you internauts love your comedy jokes and fart lines (imagine a conga line of people farting in a synchronized fashion). Anyway, you can read the story if you want some good angst. I know it’s good angst because this hipster girl came up to me afterward and said “I just want you to know, that made me cry. Thanks so much!” read more…
Well reader(s), I’ve got some important news. It seems that, in between important meetings about the security of the state, Barack Obama reads this blog. That’s correct, I’ve been endorsed by good old B.O. (now I know why that nickname never caught on for him). Not only does he read this blog, but he even digs through the archives, reading articles from long ago.
How, you might be asking yourself, and me (I hope not, since I can’t hear you), can I possibly know that Barack Obama reads my blog? Well, because he left me a very polite comment: read more…
After a long hospital stay, due to a completely non-unicycle related incident, Guy Riding a Unicycle is back to answer your questions. When you need insight into the world from someone slightly higher up than most people, and potentially juggling, he’s just the guy for you.