If you, like me, live in New York, then you know somebody who has been robbed. They may have been robbed two or three times. They may even have been home, and seen the guy right before he climbed out the window, and yelled, “Dad, what are you doing here?” Well, once the robbery’s over, you’ll probably never see your stuff again, so here are the basic questions you’ll want to ask your landlord five days later when he finally decides to come and talk with you not about the robbery but about the fact you play your stupid Irish music too loudly, no matter how many times you’ve told him that “Bagpipes are Scottish! Irish play uilleann pipes. That’s basic cultural and musical history. ” read more…
That’ll show ‘em.
In order to start Monday off right, let’s begin it with absolutely no facts, and instead, two make believe trailers for things that are already pretty preposterous. First, Conan had a lovely preview of the $65 million budgeted Spiderman Musical (entitled, logically, Turn Off the Dark).
I know Turn Off the Dark’s been taking a beating lately in the press, but I’m going to withhold my judgment for now. All I will say about it, is that I’m pretty sure it won’t be as funny as Conan’s take.
Exhibit B is the fake trailer for the film “The Beaver,” a troubled film mostly due to the fact Mel Gibson’s in it, and he said some pretty crazy things that nobody in Hollywood will forgive him for until he starts earning them money again. This one nicely uses those very same troubling messages to replace all of his stupid puppet’s stupid dialogue.
I’m still not sure which I’d rather see. Oh, who am I kidding? Obviously the one with race hate.
Today’s Colby Day Film Review is Amadeus. Everyone said, “Oh, this movie’s good, it’s about Mozart,” and I was like “The baby musician?” Turns out, he wasn’t a baby, and babies shouldn’t listen to him, since he drinks a lot and they probably wouldn’t like his boring music. This movie’s just like an opera because it’s super long and everybody wears wigs. read more…
There’s a long standing tradition on this blog of Hobo Joe writing in with poems he’s scrawled onto scrap pieces of newspapers he uses for insulation. Here’s a new one he just lobbed into my apartment building.
Christmas
Christmas is in the air,
Decorated trees and lights abound,
The snow is coming,
I don’t have a coat.
Really moving stuff, wouldn’t you say?
Leslie Nielsen died yesterday, and in all seriousness, he was the reason I became a writer. My first screenplay was just a 90 minute ripoff of The Naked Gun. Needless to say, I’m sad to hear he’s dead, but I’m glad to hear he wasn’t steamrolled only to have USC’s marching band parade over him. Here is what I believe to be one of the funniest jokes ever, and it’s not the writing, it’s Leslie Nielsen’s delivery:
What made Leslie Nielsen so fantastic was his dedication to being absolute serious about the stupidest things. That’s what makes his comedy great, in addition to automatically making any dramatic work he’d done beforehand impossible to take seriously. Now I’ve got to go, because when I tried to make myself feel better with a fart, I pooed my pants. See? Dedication. Alright, move on, nothing to see here!
We’ll miss you Enrico Palazzo. Nobody could butcher the national anthem like you could.
Today’s Colby Day Film review is Psycho. My brother had to watch it for a class, so I watched it too. I love a good gore fest, and movies with ladies showering, so I figured it was a perfect movie. Turns out, you don’t get to see a single boob. Still an okay movie though. read more…
Listen, Nic Cage is amazing. He is, in the truest sense of the word, awesome, in that I am always awestruck by his choices, right or wrong. I sometimes have a hard time articulating the fact that he is crazier than any actor I can think of, but fortunately, there is now a video compilation that does just that for me. It is, let me tell you, astonishing. You must watch it. In it, you will also get to see Mustache Cage, a very rare breed of Cage, indeed.
I’ve seen many films set to the music from Requiem for a Dream but this might be the perfect thing for that composition. Without Nic Cage screaming nonsense words and punching women, that music was always missing something. Thanks to FilmDrunk for pointing me to the video, and Pajiba for their contribution to the annals of strange compilation videos I will always remember.
In the middle of a large, large desert, there lived a small, small cactus. It felt small because all around it was just sand, and heat, and sun. Of course, it wasn’t very small at all, it was a normal sized cactus, but being stuck in one place can make anything feel very tiny and insignificant. As far as it knew, it was the only living thing in the whole world.
The cactus would watch the clouds fly by above, and feel very jealous that they could go wherever they wanted. It would wait for especially dark clouds, because those meant rain, and it would drink and store as much as it could for later, because even though it was all alone, it didn’t want to die of thirst any time soon. read more…
Today’s Colby Day Film Review is MASH (Sorry, M*A*S*H is going to take too long to type every time, and I don’t know what the stars stand for anyway. Is there some sort of swear word I’m missing here?). I figured I’d watch it because it’s based on a TV show about war, but the guys don’t even do very much fighting. I guess it was pretty funny though, and there’s a lot of sex, so that’s cool. read more…