NASA Once Again Proves Itself Moderately Disappointing
NASA officials announced today that rather than follow the American process of Democracy (and by Democracy I mean voting blindly for Stephen Colbert in any contest he nominates himself in) they’re going to run their organization’s ceremonial naming procedures like a 1920’s Russian gulag. You know gulag’s are bad, because they’re Russian, and they’re old.
Despite having secured the naming rights in a voting landslide only ever historically beaten by such notable political campaigns as those of Kim Jong-Il, or Fidel Castro (who both always received 100% of the vote due to their immense popularity), Stephen Colbert was refused the right to have a new NASA nodule, or “room” named after him. Instead, the space room will be named after the eighth place contestant: Tranquility. Obviously that name was eighth. Who the hell wants to live in a space pod named Tranquility, anyway? Well, men who wear diapers, maybe, but no normal red blooded Americans. Only Space Americans, who are really only half-Americans at best.
NASA has agreed, however, to throw Colbert a bone and name their new treadmill after him. It will be called the “Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill” (COLBERT for short). Officials have even invited the newscaster to Houston to test the machine out. This sounds to me like a trap. First, they deny you the right every American has: to vote in a joke name and then demand to be taken seriously. Then, they offer you some sort of consolation prize cheaper than you would get on The Price Is Right, and invite you to Houston to test the machine. Who wants to bet this machine has some sort of horrible “operating error” because NASA engineers calibrated it in kilograms instead of pounds? Sound like just the sort of thing those communist-loving bastards would be good at.
Don’t go Stephen. We know what’s up. A horrific death trap devised by some of this countries most elite minds, and we all know that the elite minds of this country tend to be leftist pinko hippy-dippy types, just the type to want to eliminate a bastion of American ideals such as yourself.
Related posts: