Shiver Me Twitters: PirateHitler
I was recently quite troubled to discover that an individual calling himself “Pirate Hitler” began following my Twitter feed, or as I call it, the Read What I’m Eating feed (Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich). Don’t get me wrong, I used to love pirates. Their antics amused me to no end when I was a child, as did their pillaging of seaside ports, proclivity for scabies, and abduction of young women (or boys). Their drunken song and dance routines always used to remind me of my great uncle, old Peg Leg Day. Tragically, he died in a freak “marine tribunal and hanging procedural” accident.
That, of course, was before I knew the truth about pirates. Recently Fox News informed me that pirates are terrorists. Don’t believe me? Watch Fox. This came as a bit of a shock, because I’d always assumed pirates were just man-loving sailors who liked accessorizing and wearing colorful outfits. Now I don’t mind a free trade (or as pirates call it: completely free trade) loving sailor following my Read What I’m Eating feed (another Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich, they’re that good) but a terrorist’s another thing all together. Naturally, the thought that I could be connected to a terrorist, and a flamboyant (read: scurvied) one at that, made me nervous. I had to investigate who the Hitler of pirates may be.
Obviously, it can not be the real Hitler, unless he, like Walt Disney, had himself cryogenically frozen. I was always suspicious of the fact that their mustaches looked so similar, after seeing the Daffy Duck episode in which Daffy forms a National Socialist Party to liberate the poor Duckish race from the tyranny of the Jewish people. Although it is unlikely that even an evil mastermind as evil and as mastermind as Hitler could have devised the technology to thaw himself, so it must be someone else. This must therefore some sort of code name.
By carefully putting together the clues, I was able to figure out Pirate Hitler’s true identity. Pirate Hitler must be none other than the most hated anti-American figure of today: Osama bin Laden. It makes perfect sense. Hitler was a dictator, obsessed with exterminating a race, that hated America. Osama bin Laden is a dictator obsessed with exterminating a race that is America.
Al Qaeda preys on converting the young, and it is only obvious that it should try and use the Twitter platform to recruit. It makes perfect sense for bin Laden to be on Twitter. The man lives in a cave. If anyone needs to live vicariously through the mundane details of other people’s lives, it’s that guy.
Not to worry though, Twitterverse, I have alerted the proper authorities. I Re-tweeted all his posts to @NSA, so I’m sure they’re on top of it. Of course, if that Twitter username were a fake created by Kim Jong-Il to fool unsuspecting Americans into reporting any suspicious activities to him, then he would be able to help anyone committing suspicious activities. Damn you Kim Jong-Il! You’ve foiled me once again.
Are you a world renowned anti-semite, swashbuckler, or other bizarre type of person? You should follow my Twitter feed, and maybe I’ll use my investigative journalism techniques (the internet) to write up a profile of you in the next installment of “Shiver Me Twitters.”
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