The Inklings Transcript

The Inklings were a well-known literary group during the 1930’s and 1940’s associated with the University of Oxford, England. The group consisted of such literary elites as C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkein, and would frequently meet to discuss their own work (and others’) at The Eagle and Child pub. Naturally, even writers who specialize in Christian allegories still drink heavily.

For decades it was thought that the only records of these meetings were in the private notes of the attendees, but a transcribed document of one such meeting was recently unearthed:

Meeting of “The Inklings”
January 27

Present: LEWIS [C.S. Lewis, author], TOLLERS [J.R.R. Tolkein, author], WARNIE [Warren Lewis, brother to C.S. Lewis], and HUGO [Hugo Warren, English academic, Merton College Fellow].

[Reading C.S. Lewis' submission]

WARNIE: (sets papers down) Piffle-treeghie? Feifel-treejaye? Lewis, how the hell do I pronounce this word?
LEWIS: Fill-treeghie.
WARNIE: Well, why don’t you write Filltreeghie?
HUGO: Listen, I don’t get this at all, Lewis. What is this rubbish?
LEWIS: (points to Tollers) It’s Tollers’ fault. He made me write it.
HUGO: Is that true Tollers? Made him write it, eh?
TOLLERS: The deal was we both write a travel piece. Lewis here, (points) writes a space-travel piece, and I time-travel.
WARNIE: Oh, for Pete’s sake.

[Silence. Continue reading Lewis' submission]

HUGO: I don’t get it at all. What’s this happening here? Ransom meets the whatsit? Oysara?
LEWIS: (sighs) It really isn’t all that difficult. I’ve explained it a thousand times: “Ransom,” mankind, meets with “Oysara,” an embodiment of the archangel, and they discuss the “Earth Oysara,” or Satan…it’s all right there.
WARNIE: (wrinkles brow) Oh, yes…I see. (shrugs, claps his hands) Well, let’s move on to Tollers, eh? Ready for some more of the adventures of… What’s his name? Baggins, is it?
TOLLERS: That’s right, Warnie. It’s Baggins.

[Tollers begins to pass his submission out]

HUGO: (immediately) Oh god, no more elves!
WARNIE: Wait, who’s this Freddo?
TOLLERS: Frodo. His name’s Frodo.
HUGO: Can’t a bloke have a regular name? Where have all the Bobbo’s and Freddo’s gone?
LEWIS: Hugo, I don’t believe that Freddo’s ever been a name, let alone regular.
HUGO: Well, I suggest Freddo, Tollers. You’re going to lose the kiddies if they all have crazy names like Filltreeghie.
TOLLERS: Would you just read it?

[Reading Tollers' submission]

WARNIE: It’s not another allegory is it?
TOLLERS: No.

[Reading Toller's submission]

HUGO: Can’t we ever just get together and talk? Is that so much to ask from you gents? Just a nice, simple conversation? “Nice weather we’re having Tollers… I know Hugo, quite sunny today… you see old Rog at the rugby match?” NO! We’ve always got to get together and read your bloody stories about elves and Osiris and goyle’s and who knows what else. I just came here for a bleedin’ pint!
WARNIE: Now, Hugo, be a good chap. It’s not all that bad. They like their wizards and dwarfs.
TOLLERS: It’s dwarves. With a “v.”
HUGO: Oh, shut up J.R. That’ll never catch on. It’s spelled with an “f” and you know it.
LEWIS: He does write it with a “v”.
HUGO: I don’t give a damn how you write your kids’ bedtime stories. But you’re spelling it wrong!
TOLLERS: Actually, if you look at the Nordic as I have –
HUGO: Oh take the Nordic and shove it up your ass, J.R.! We’re English. We spell in English, not your elf-talk.
LEWIS: To tell the truth, J.R., I don’t much care for Freddo either.
TOLLERS: It’s Frodo.
LEWIS: I mean, I don’t even understand why he’d go off with that wizard guy anyway. He comes off as pretty creepy if you ask me, coming around to visit young boys…
TOLLERS: They’re not boys. They’re not even of the race of man.
WARNIE: Gentlemen, please! They’re Hobbits. Isn’t that right, Tollers? Hobbits?
TOLLERS: That is correct Warnie. And I’ll have you know…
HUGO: This wizard fella sounds like a bloody perv if you ask me!

[Tollers slams down his pint. Jumps to his feet.]

TOLLERS: Gandalf is not a “bloody perv!”
LEWIS: Listen, J.R., it’s not like we don’t like it –
WARNIE: I don’t much care for it.
LEWIS: It’s just that…maybe we’re all a bit tired of namby-pamby hairy-toed man-child types gallavanting around the forest speaking elf!
WARNIE: Oh do sit down, J.R. Everyone’s staring.
TOLLERS: (sits) I shan’t bring in anymore of the legendarium if you’re going to act this way.
HUGO: Fine by me, Tollers. Fine by me.

[Silence]

HUGO: Shall we go back to Lewis’ work?
WARNIE: Sure, let’s look that over some more.

[Reading Lewis' submission]

HUGO: Lewis, I don’t get what he’s saying here…about Earth falling into evil.
LEWIS: Well, he’s saying that the people of Earth have been tempted and sort of fallen from Grace in a sense…
WARNIE: Yes, Lewis, I really think you could clarify that here.
TOLLERS: Why don’t you just bring in a talking lion to sort everything out?
LEWIS: I’m sorry? What did you say?
TOLLERS: I said, why don’t you just have them hop in the bloody closet where Christ the Lion will solve all their problems?
LEWIS: Listen, I –
TOLLERS: If I’m not allowed to bring in elves, Lewis isn’t allowed talking Lions!
LEWIS: This doesn’t have any talking lions!
TOLLERS: Or thinly-veiled Christ allegories!
LEWIS: Damn it!
HUGO: (muttered) This does have talking otters though…
LEWIS: Well, if you’re not allowed elves and I’m not allowed Christian literature…what can we do?

[Silence]

WARNIE: Lovely weather we’re having…
HUGO: Did you lot see old Rog down at the rugby match?

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