New Feature: Future Fridays
Thanks to a complicated scientific experiment gone horribly awry, every Friday if I am able to properly position my newspaper on the coffee table, a wormhole opens up that allows me to see the headlines from years and years into the future. It may sound complicated and far-fetched, but believe me, being able to see these headlines has been both a blessing and a curse. So, naturally, I figured I would share that ability with you.
Suntan Lotion Causes Cancer Say Scientists
In what some scientists are calling “the most ironic discovery we’ve made this year,” a new study has revealed that suntan lotion, particularly with higher SPF’s may be one of the leading causes of skin cancer. “As it turns out,” said one physician between giggles, “suntan lotion actually… I’m sorry, it’s just pretty ridiculous… Who would’ve thought?” The new study revealed that roughly 62% of people who wear suntan lotion have a “significantly higher” chance of getting skin cancer. Simultaneously, some 91% of people who wear suntan lotion will “smell really weird and look like total tools” during the application process.
First Man on Mars: “Not That Impressed”
Lt. Jonathan Barrand of NASA uttered the first words spoken by man on mars yesterday morning. As Barrand set foot on the red planet, he became the first man to lay eyes upon the martian surface, saying in a live feed to NASA: “Eh.” When asked by Mission Control to elaborate on his feeling as the first man on a strange planet, Barrand continued by saying “You know, it’s basically just like in the pictures. I kind of expected it to be… I don’t know, redder or something.” As the rest of the flight crew emerged onto the surface, First Mate Sam Hitchens added, “It’s kinda like Arizona, really.”
Opening of Actual “Jurassic Park” Goes Remarkably Well
Despite countless protests and warnings from both the scientific community and concerned citizens, the “Jurassic Park,” an island oasis populated entirely by dinosaurs as a private amusement park for a strange and extraordinarily wealthy old man opened this Monday without a hitch. An anthropologist asked to visit the island for its first tour stated, “I was worried that it might be tempting fate to bring such terrifying beasts back into a world in which they no longer belong, but it’s actually been pretty neat seeing them up close.” The eccentric millionaire who funded the project declined comment, but a publicist for the park said in an e-mail, “We told you so. Better start saving to bring your kids, because they’re not going to give a shit about Disneyland after this.”
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