Useless News: December 2, 2008
Ford Plans on Becoming Profitable Business in Future
The Ford Motor Company said it intends to start making money in about three years. Just as soon as it’s given $9 Billion dollars to sweeten the pot. While the company says it’s doing better than it’s American competition (“Hey, look guys, we only lose $1 Billion a month!”), it strongly urged the government to support both GM and Chrysler with some bailout money too. Otherwise, who the hell will people make fun of for being worse than Ford? Customers will no longer be able to defend their poor performance and terrible gas mileage by saying “Hey, at least it’s not a… [Other American Automaker]”
Ford has also announced that chief executive Alan R. Mullaly’s salary would drop to just $1 a year if the company receives any federal funds. Which would still leave him as the highest paid employee of Ford. Also, Ford plans on selling all of it’s corporate jets and having Mullaly drive himself to the next meeting with Congress in a Ford Escape hybrid SUV. Just like on SNL. Maybe the people at Ford should start looking elsewhere for business strategies.
Walmart Customers Sue Walmart Over Other Walmart Customers
Continuing the Walmart bad-news train, two customers who were also trampled in “The Walmart Trampling of 2008″ (the first of many Walmart-based tramplings), are suing the store for negligence. According to their attorney, Walmart could be guilty of reckless endangerment; only someone with no concern for human life would put so many Twinkies and Ho-Ho’s on sale so close to the front door of a Walmart.
Pirates Apparently Still Exist
Pirates on two small skiffs fired shots at a luxury American cruise ship in the Gulf of Aden. This has led authorities to ask tough questions: Where is the Gulf of Aden? Pirates still exist? Those are really the only questions. Of course, the attack came after a string of pirate attacks off of the Somalian coast, leading experts to wonder if maybe they should just stop taking all of their large, vulnerable, slow-moving ships carrying very expensive cargoes past the Somalian coast.
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