Bad News Means More Readers
It would appear that as soon as a blog mentions “Walmart” it gets a million hits. Or maybe it’s any blog that references the fact that Walmart customers behave similarly to a herd of bison. Or maybe people just like reading bad news. In any case, I’m going to try and cash in on it. Here’s some of the news as I’ve understood it:
Obesity + Walmart Discounts = Stampede
It’s been reported that the man who was trampled to death by the angry mob of shoppers was hired as a temp. This leads me to believe the man’s last words were probably something like “I’m not even supposed to be here today.” Emergency response teams had a tough time getting to the trampled employee because shoppers wouldn’t clear out of the store, despite the “Temporarily Closed. Be Opened After First Period” sign the staff had put up so they could play hockey on the roof and talk about Star Wars.
Maryland Chickens Probably Eating Enough Bran
Maryland is full of shit. Literally. Environmentalists are proposing new regulations about how chicken farmers should handle almost 650 million pounds of manure. They’re saying the farmers should put on gloves this year, and wash their hands. Yes, with soap.
Belt-Tightening Parents Write Letters, Can Not Afford Stamps
Parents have begun the time-honored American tradition of angry letter writing that signals the start of the Christmas season. Only this time, they’re asking toy companies to stop advertising directly to children given the state of the economy. One parent wrote: “It’s cruel to dangle irresistible ads for toys and electronics in front of kids… It’s just not fair.” Sounds like someone didn’t get that Barbie Dream House when she was a little girl.
Hero Chef Saves Baby With Powdered Milk
Italian chef Emmanuele Latanzi worked in the Indian hotel that was taken over by militants with some crazy ideals about something or another. When the gunmen entered the hotel he fled crying like a baby, only to remember that he had left his actually crying baby in the hotel. So what did he do? What any good Italian hero chef would: he negotiated with the terrorists for two days until they let him give his starving baby some powdered milk.
I sense a movie here. Just imagine the heart-wrenching scene in which they deny him access to liquid milk. Or the hilarious part where he tries to dress up like a militant while smuggling in a bunch of Carnation only to be spotted by the powdered-milk trail he’s left behind. Roberto Benigni hasn’t done a heart-wrenching saga about a man and his child stuck in a hopeless situation in at least a few years.
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