New Feature: Ask A Guy Riding a Unicycle
Many readers regularly e-mail to ask things like, “Colby, how can I be as multi-talented and attractive as you are?” or “What is the appropriate holiday tip for a doorman?” While the thousands of e-mails I get like that can be flattering, they’re also somewhat of a drag on my time. I simply can’t give out life advice all the time. However, Phil Greely, our resident advice columnist, will be able to from now on in this weekly column: Ask A Guy Riding a Unicycle.
Phil is a well qualified unicyclist, who has been unicycling for some twelve years now. He is known by many of his friends and neighbors as “That guy who rides a unicycle… you know, the only guy who rides a unicycle.”
Q: Guy Riding a Unicycle, my wife and I have been divorced for a number of years now, and as the children get older I feel like they’re slipping away from me. Is there anything I can do to make sure we remain close when they only see me on weekends?
A: Divorce can be tricky, especially with children in the picture. I would recommend you try and take up some sort of hobby together. That way over the weekends you can teach them valuable skills that they can use later in life, like how to ride a unicycle. You could take them to the park on the weekends and practice together. Your kids will love the challenge of not only maintaining equilibrium, but also of not falling flat on their faces and completely embarrassing themselves in front of everyone they know. And who knows, maybe someday they can leverage their unicycle riding abilities into their very own advice columns!
Q: Guy Riding a Unicycle, my son is about to go to college in the fall, and is furious that we didn’t sign him up to live in the dorms. We live fifteen minutes from the school, and we’re going to save thousands of dollars in housing! Why can’t he understand?
A: While your son’s anger does make sense, you have to assure him that this is the most practical option. He may feel like he’s missing out on the “college experience” of freshman year and all, but just remind him that Guy Riding a Unicycle never lived in the dorms when he went to community college for a semester. In fact, my parents didn’t even own a house. We lived in a Winnebago out by the fairgrounds, and in the summer you could sometimes hear the carnival freaks in their tents at night. Let him know things could be a lot worse!
Q: Guy Riding a Unicycle, I am an American of Iranian descent. Is there anything we Americans can do to show our support for the Iranian people?
A: Look, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m trying to ride a fucking unicycle here, all right? This is hard enough without having to solve all of the world’s problems for you just because you’re too lazy to think something up yourself. Do you know how hard it is to type while on a unicycle? That’s right, I didn’t think so. This isn’t a platform for your politics. This is a platform for me to give advice and ride a unicycle while doing it. Why don’t you write a letter or something? And make sure this time you send it to somebody who isn’t quite as busy trying to keep his unicycle from tipping over.
Do you have questions for A Guy Riding a Unicycle?
Send them to: GuyRidingUnicycle@ColbyDay.com
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