Hep cats is an old term for “cool kids,” or “neatos” as I call them. This is a video some 750,000 people have already seen before, but you know what, they’re the cool ones, they’re not the ones reading this. It’s this little kid who covers songs in the middle of the Apple Store. Don’t worry, it’s the real deal. As he puts it in the description: “it not green screen.” This is his rendition of The Black Eyed Peas song “I’ve Got a Feeling,” which, supposedly, according to my resources, is also something cool people like.* read more…
Night Falls
Night falls with a chill
The world is fast asleep
Yet I find myself awake still
Because I haven’t eaten in two days.
Last night I was told by a total stranger that they “read my blog,” which is all well and good, but I can’t imagine how they do it since I don’t even “write my blog.” Anyway, as a benevolent treat to that one person whose name I don’t remember, I’m going to try to come back here a little more frequently (maybe even once a day). I will make you no promises, because people don’t ever really change, and I don’t even know who the hell you are.
The reason I met this kind stranger is that I was attending, and losing, The L Magazine’s short fiction reading, with a short story I’d written entitled “Grace.” It’s below, but, just to warn you, there is almost nothing funny about it, and I know how you internauts love your comedy jokes and fart lines (imagine a conga line of people farting in a synchronized fashion). Anyway, you can read the story if you want some good angst. I know it’s good angst because this hipster girl came up to me afterward and said “I just want you to know, that made me cry. Thanks so much!” read more…
Well reader(s), I’ve got some important news. It seems that, in between important meetings about the security of the state, Barack Obama reads this blog. That’s correct, I’ve been endorsed by good old B.O. (now I know why that nickname never caught on for him). Not only does he read this blog, but he even digs through the archives, reading articles from long ago.
How, you might be asking yourself, and me (I hope not, since I can’t hear you), can I possibly know that Barack Obama reads my blog? Well, because he left me a very polite comment: read more…
If you haven’t been watching Community because you were waiting for the opinion of a professional as to whether it’s good or not, wait no more. It’s pretty good. That’s right, I just implied that I am a professional. Here’s a clip from last week’s episode:
Also, it seems they’ve hired the Mexican ‘Lil Wayne to write for them, which is always a good thing. He’s very good with these types of character-driven pieces.
Sorry, that was inappropriate. Good thing your kids weren’t reading this blog. Wait, you are a kid? What are you doing here? Do you like candy? Do you want to help me find my puppy in the basement? Oh, why don’t we take some pictures?
Wait, what? Sorry about that also. That was even more inappropriate than the first inappropriate thing I wrote.
Give me a break, I’ve been off the internet for a long time. I’ve had no outlet for my snark and strange behavior other than every day life, which is simply not enough for some of us. While I’ve been gone, I’ve been busy producing a feature film I wrote, entitled “I Don’t Want to Kill Myself.” I keep describing it as a dark comedy, but that’s only because I hate the word “dramedy.” I don’t know if I can even really call that a word. It’s more a meme? Sorry, this is getting very technical and beside the point. For more information on the film, you can check out the website: www.IDontWanttoKillMyself.com. The website kind of sucks, but you know what, I bet you didn’t produce a feature film during this time, did you? No? And you didn’t build the website for that film you didn’t produce, either? Odd.
Wow. So rude. I don’t know what’s come over me. It’s probably time for a nap. Remember, this is one of those few moments I’ll say anything about what I’m doing, so don’t fear. We’ll be back to jokes about Taco Bell giving the Prime Minister diarrhea in no time. Phew.
I only wish this task force had existed for My Big Fat Greek Wedding! God, I had to hear “Put some Windex on it!” so many times.
Thanks FreeWilliamsburg for pointing this out.
Unfortunately, dear readers “Ask A Guy Riding a Unicycle” is currently on hiatus. Our resident Guy Riding a Unicycle is currently in the hospital after a nasty tumble off the unicycle sent him through an open sewer grate. Apparently he was in the act of writing his advice column with his iPhone when his unicycle’s tire exploded and we can only be thankful that Guy Riding a Unicycle has not decided to sue me. read more…
As the month of June draws to a close, there has been an outpouring of corporate sponsored news with favorable mentions of brand names for me to share with you. Which is fortunate, because my rent is due tomorrow. Here it is, your fix of Sponsored News: read more…
This is one of the deleted scenes from the most recent installment of the Terminator franchise, in which we finally get the explanation as to why all future robotic soldiers have had Arnold Schwarzenegger’s faced grafted onto their metallic skulls. Plus, silly accents!
I don’t know about anyone else, but I think I would much rather have seen an entire film about Sgt. William Candy and his kooky hijinks in the Skynet laboratories. It would be like Biodome, but with Terminators hell bent on the destruction of mankind.
You know you think so too. Thanks to FilmDrunk for the find.